Finding Peace through Fertility Treatment

Up to this point, most of you have traveled with me throughout my fertile journey. I've had some very good days, and some very desperate days. I recently just came home from a week away from my husband and two step-kids. I boarded a plan early Monday morning and flew to Albuquerque, NM. To me, this is one of the most beautiful places on earth. I love it there.

While I had the chance to see some of my family, I had the special privilege in caring for my two beautiful nieces, ages 4 and 7. This was a big change for me since my two step-kids are 10 and 13 and very much boys. It was fun for me to play tea party, dress up, and see dresses and frills in every corner of the house.

At some point during the week, I came to the conclusion that throughout this journey, I felt like I have been slipping away slowly from myself and not fully enjoying the life that God has given me. For those of us who go through major life journeys, such as fertility treatment, it can be overwhelming to the point where we need to step away and re-center our hearts on God.

I was able to do that.

I was reminded that life isn't just about overcoming my diagnosis, it's about enjoying the process and loving my husband and family to bits and pieces in the midst of my journey. My husband is the core of all things good in my life. If it wasn't for him, I would have no idea where I'd be at nearly 29 years old. He is so supportive and encouraging, and our love is deep, unconditional, and firm. God gave me this man, entrusted his heart to me, and allowed me to be an insta-mom to his two beautiful sons. It's because of those things, that I so desperately want to bring a little bundle of joy into this world. Part God, Part of my Husband, and Part of me. The evidence of our love and bond.

My encouragement for anyone struggling to see the hope and joy from day to day during your journey, is to remind yourself of the good things. Remind yourself of the core of who you are, who you have in your life, and choose to celebrate them.

My husband and I will be celebrating 5 years of marriage next week, and I could not be more grateful to have him by my side. I know that God will fulfill his promise to us in due time. I know i'll have more desperate days then good days, probably. But my hope is still found in the LORD. It is not by my hands, or mans hands, or doctors, or schools, or medicines, or treatments, that our miracle will appear. It will be at the hands of the creator, who brings forth life with purpose.

Always remember His Promises. They've done well for us in the past.

Round 3 - Day 21 : When You Feel Broken...

It's hard to see the hope and light when day after day you feel like you're trudging through the fiery swamp of despair. Infertility. I am infertile, naturally. And although I have those around me who are constantly praying and encouraging me, and believe me, I'm so grateful, there are still days that I wake up and just can't wrap my head around the fact that wanting to bring a child into this world may not be God's plan for my life.

Do I give up? Do I surrender my deepest desire in life? Do I let go and move on from this journey?

No.

I want to though, sometimes. I'm teetering on a balance beam, wondering when and where I will finally fall off and permanently break myself.  It's the hardest part of this journey. The negative self esteem gains more power, as each day passes that my prayers go unanswered.

I feel broken.

Is it my fault? Did I do things in my life that brought me to this point? Can I change? Am I being punished for things of my past?

Although I know the godly answer to all those questions is "of course not! God loves you and has a plan for you! You were made perfect and whole, and beautiful! God is a loving and gracious God."

Of course I know all that, at least I thought I did. I truly believed those things for most of my life until I had to come face to face with the reality of the hardest trial in my life. Then I began to question everything. Not my faith that God could answer my prayer, or that He was capable of giving me a child. I know that He is more than capable, but understanding that sometimes his answer is "not right now" or even "that's not my plan for you" is the hardest pill to swallow. (And believe me, I've swallowed a lot of pills.)

But then there's hope. A tiny glimmer of light inside that burns in the darkness that seems to be all encompassing. You feel like you're losing yourself but in the midst of the turmoil, there is still a flicker of hope, I just don't know how to make it brighter and keep it from dying out. I guess I can't, not by myself.

Trust. Have Faith. Hold On.

The only redemption I have is this: to know that God has never once in my life, left me to fend for myself. He has always been present, encouraging, and has always provided. Even in the dark, He is the source of light. When I can't see anything but the pain, He steps in and becomes my soothing balm.

I'm not ready to stop fighting. Having hope in knowing that God continually confirms through not just His word, but various people in our life, that we will have a child. Someday it is going to happen.

I pray for a Resurrection of Hope in my life, and a Renewal of Faith. Please pray for the same.

Day 20: Hope Crushed- Hope Renewed

Where do I begin? The last 20 days of treatment have been so emotionally trying for me. I cling to hope that in the end, I know God will come through for us. In the meantime, the hormone pills I'm taking are driving me mad. I cry at everything, even a simple song on the radio, or just hugging my son.

Hormone mediction is a tricky thing when TTC-ing (Trying to Conceive). They play tricks on you and most of the time you don't know whats happening to your body. The hardest part of this is that it almost gives you similar symptoms to actual pregnancy, so even if you're not pregnant (which you hope for every month) you're still feeling like you *could be*... and the hope that builds in you to end up being crushed is devastating.

In this time I have now completed 2 rounds of hormone medications. The first round, my body did not produce anything whatsoever. I had no eggs, no follicles, no little pieces of me, ready and waiting to become something precious. My body decided to be stubborn. And as I prayed and asked God for help, I couldn't express just how angry it made me that I could not be who I really wanted to be. I could not do the basic function a female body is supposed to do. But in the end, God said "Persevere." So I did.

We started the second round of treatment, increasing the amounts of pills I take and henceforth the effects of such, which you can imagine is just overwhelming. I have now taken positive ovulation tests at home, but don't see the doctor again until Friday. That's when we find out if we're ready, and/or already there.

But in the midst of all of this, I just struggle to hold on to the hope that God has given me. Why would he give me the desire to have children and then keep me from it? Why would it have to be so hard? What does it mean that I can't do what it is that I feel called to do? Am I being punished? Am I not following the Lord? Is my request too far beyond all hope that He's looking at me and shaking his head. I am angry, hurt, confused, devastated and yet, I persevere. I always come back to God. I seek him out when I'm feeling these things, I listen to worship music, pray to him, sing to him, cry out to him, until finally I feel overwhelming peace.

"Peace. Be Still and Know That I Am God."

There are so many songs about healing that have been around every corner these days.

"I know, you're my healer. I know you are all I need."

There are songs about asking and receiving.

"You said, ask and you will receive, whatever you need. You said, lift up your eyes, the harvest is near, the kingdom is near, you said.. Ask and I'll give the nations to you, oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart."

And these songs are amazing and wonderful, but when I hear them my heart breaks because I have been asking, and I have been believing for years that God would heal me. And yet, it doesn't happen.

More often then not, I feel like asking God. "My God, My God. Why have you forsaken me?"

But still, I persevere.

I will stand steadfast in faith, and do you know why? Because despite my fears, and emotions, and overwhelming roller coaster of life, God never changes. He stays the same through the ages, and His promises are yes, and His love endures forever. He is compassionate, and loving, and caring and righteous, and holy, and perfect. He is not bound by our human emotions and life, but rather see's all of history, present, and the future together. He knows how this tribulation will work out and how I'll grow to trust Him more, to love Him more, to serve Him more. God has NEVER failed me, and He NEVER will. So I persevere.

Day 1: Doctors, Doctors, and More Doctors

I don't know if there's anything more scary than walking into a fertility clinic. There are people milling about, couples who are probably going through the same situations you are, some who may even have it worse.
All you can think about is your hope that the doctors will tell you what you want to hear. That you'll get the answers you've been looking for, and you'll walk out confident and ready to bring another life into the world.

That's what we hope for, but I think what we really get is a lot more 'Maybe Baby' questions. And I suppose that the doctors can never guarantee, because conceiving life is ultimately up to God, but you hope that the doctors in front of you will be confident and believe with you that with join effort, your dream will become a reality.

Walking down the long corridor of the hospital, heading toward the fancy glass doors which guard the entrance to this next step was a little scary. You wonder about the story of all the other couples sitting in that room with you, and you ask yourself if they are thinking the same things about you.

"Is this their first time here?"

"Maybe they are waiting for results?"

"Did their dream come true?"

"Are they about to get bad news?"

Then you try to put yourself in their shoes and wonder if the smiles on their faces are real or are they plastered on as a shield against the outside, hiding the churning turmoil that boils inside their heart and soul.

It was at this moment that I leaned against my husband after he had attempted to make a steaming glass of hot tea while we waited in the lobby for our names to be called. And despite my racing thoughts, I knew that our story would be our story. However it turns out, I still have my best friend, my beautiful step-kids, and an entire future ahead of us, even if we don't know where it will end up.

The nurse stepped out of the large wooden door and walked cheerfully toward us, calling my name. As we approached she introduced us and led us behind the door, into the waiting battery of tests that would come. We get ushered into sterile room and I'm informed they'll be doing an ultrasound to begin things, knowing they want to see everything inside to get a good look and observation.

My nerves begin to tense and I paste the smile on my face as my husband holds my things and sits in the corner chair, otherwise known as the husband seat. I'm asked to get prepared as a woman does for a regular exam and slide onto the cold plastic bed, with metal stirrups attached at the end. As we wait for the technicians, my wonderful husband decides to take my mind off of what's happening by being the most supporting and encouraging man in the world, even if he was just trying to make me laugh. Standing up, he sets his things down and then persists to dance crazily beside the bed until I'm laughing and smiling at him. Peace and calm rush through me after this and I relax, holding my husbands hands for a few minutes, grateful that God had blessed me with him.

When the technician enters the room with a hospital resident, I can't help but freak out a little knowing there will be at least 3 people in the room seeing me in my most vulnerable state.

Then it begins, and in a matter of minutes I'm looking at something I had never seen before. And even though it may seem gross or weird, I was kind of awestruck at knowing that God created me in every way and that science had made it possible for us to see the things that people from hundreds of years ago would have never thought possible.

Getting down to business, the technician snapped images of my most necessary parts that pertain to making babies. Stating that everything looked good, and pointing out a few things here or there. Ultimately I felt encouraged that she said everything looks healthy and there were no major problems. After that was done, I had a physical exam, then sent to another room for blood work.

Eventually we finally sat down with the doctor, went through our medical histories, and after a very confident talk, he prescribes me to go get more blood work done the next morning, and to start our first round of medication the next night. We walk out of there with our instructions for the next 3 weeks and it's kind of amazing. For the first time in very long time, I felt hope. It was refreshing.

Holding on to Hope

Years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). Some of you may know what this is, and some of you may not, but it affects your hormones and various other aspects of women's health. One symptom of this syndrome is infertility/trouble conceiving.

I remember the day I was first diagnosed with PCOS. My husband and I had been married for two years and we had not been hindering conception since our wedding night. For two years I lived month to month, always hoping, wishing, praying that God would grant me the desire of my heart and provide me with a child of my own. Words cannot express how truly devastating it is to go through the emotional disappointment, month after month. 

Eventually, I decided to see a doctor and what I was told completely changed my life. Pending blood work, I was most likely polycystic. At the time I didn't know what it meant, or what my options were. I was uneducated in coping strategies to help me live with life normally.  That doctor told me it will be difficult for me to get pregnant, and I should come to terms that receiving professional help to conceive would be the only way I'd have a child, if that worked. 

Leaving the office that day, I remember sitting in my car weeping before the Lord. Years I had spent dreaming about my future children. Caring for other's children for so long, knowing that God had given me the desire to have my own, how could I just throw in the towel and give up? 

I remember going home, waiting for my husband to get off of work, and laid in my bed, once again crying out to God asking "Why?" At the same time I felt bad because I had married into an instant family and had two beautiful stepson's who needed me so much, and yet I was complaining that God wasn't giving us what we desired. 

Fast forward another year, to another doctor who was the first person to plant the seed of hope in me again. 

"A large amount of polycystic women have children. I don't doubt that it'll happen in time." She spoke kindly to me as I expressed my concerns. 

The days that followed that fluctuated. Sometimes I would question God, and other times I'd just say, "Alright God. It's in your hands."

Shortly after that I had been praying and I remembered a teaching I had heard years ago about the power of the tongue. 

Proverbs 18:21 "Death and Life are in the power of the tongue..."

I remembered that what we speak over ourselves is important. We can choose to speak life over ourselves and our situations, in expectation of divine intervention or faithlessly speak death.  I decided then and there that I'd be a life speaker. I knew that God was bigger than any diagnosis out there, and I still know today. 

I spent the next few years working with various doctors to regulate my hormones with different medications including the birth control pill. We knew we weren't completely ready at that point to bring another child into our home, but I was doing my part in preparing myself for when the time came that God would give us our desires. 

I started studying the word of God more fervently, focusing on infertile women in the bible. And through this time, the Lord gave me more insight and promises to hold on to for the future. 

Biblically speaking, nearly every story in the bible that deals with women who are infertile are very important. In these instances, God eventually blesses these women with children who would grow into powerful tools of God, such as Samuel, John the Baptist, Samson, and even Isaac (Son of Abraham and Sarah).

Out of great trial and struggling faith, came powerful fruit that changed the course of history. 

Then God had given me a scripture, that I still hold on to this day. I keep it with me, everywhere I walk. 

Isaiah 41:4 "Who has done this and carried it through, calling forth the generations from the beginning? I, the LORD—with the first of them and with the last—I am he.”

So, how could I doubt God had a plan? How could I doubt that when the time was right, that I'd see why I had the desire, and why God made me wait. I'd know that his plans were better than mine, and that I was a vessel to be used for the glory of God and his kingdom on earth. Whatever the Lord would entrust to me, would have to be nurtured in the word and prepared to change the kingdom of God in ways I can't even imagine. 

So here we are, a few years later and my husband and I finally agree that it's time. We talk with the doctors, adjust my ongoing maintenance of the syndrome and discuss how it will affect our journey to conceive, and then we try. 

One month turned into two. Two months turned into four. Four months turned into six. I started noticing that my body was not reacting and that my chance for conceiving was slim due to certain medical issues. And even though I felt like Hannah, when she cried out to God asking why she had to go through this, promising everything to God, and praying every day for Him to gift her with the desires of her heart, I still held true to the promises he gave me. 

1. God will use you to birth something that will change the kingdom of God.

2. God alone is the one who calls forth every generation from the beginning to the end. I can trust him. 

I took those promises and kept myself from speaking death over my dreams. I sought out more doctors, got more information, and have finally been referred to a fertility clinic. And even though I thought I'd be terrified if we ever had to go down this route, I'm not. I know that God has led me to the right doctors at the right time, and he is guiding me down this path for a reason. What I'll learn during this time, I don't know. What I do know is that it is going to change me even more, for the better. It will bring hope to me, to those around me, and maybe even to you. 

So here is to Day 1 of my journey. Holding on to Hope. Trusting Him. I can't guarantee every day will be bright and sunny, but I can guarantee that it will be just what I need. Test me Lord, and prove me. Make me like you in every way. 

Christina Simpson © 2014