It's hard to see the hope and light when day after day you feel like you're trudging through the fiery swamp of despair. Infertility. I am infertile, naturally. And although I have those around me who are constantly praying and encouraging me, and believe me, I'm so grateful, there are still days that I wake up and just can't wrap my head around the fact that wanting to bring a child into this world may not be God's plan for my life.
Do I give up? Do I surrender my deepest desire in life? Do I let go and move on from this journey?
No.
I want to though, sometimes. I'm teetering on a balance beam, wondering when and where I will finally fall off and permanently break myself. It's the hardest part of this journey. The negative self esteem gains more power, as each day passes that my prayers go unanswered.
I feel broken.
Is it my fault? Did I do things in my life that brought me to this point? Can I change? Am I being punished for things of my past?
Although I know the godly answer to all those questions is "of course not! God loves you and has a plan for you! You were made perfect and whole, and beautiful! God is a loving and gracious God."
Of course I know all that, at least I thought I did. I truly believed those things for most of my life until I had to come face to face with the reality of the hardest trial in my life. Then I began to question everything. Not my faith that God could answer my prayer, or that He was capable of giving me a child. I know that He is more than capable, but understanding that sometimes his answer is "not right now" or even "that's not my plan for you" is the hardest pill to swallow. (And believe me, I've swallowed a lot of pills.)
But then there's hope. A tiny glimmer of light inside that burns in the darkness that seems to be all encompassing. You feel like you're losing yourself but in the midst of the turmoil, there is still a flicker of hope, I just don't know how to make it brighter and keep it from dying out. I guess I can't, not by myself.
Trust. Have Faith. Hold On.
The only redemption I have is this: to know that God has never once in my life, left me to fend for myself. He has always been present, encouraging, and has always provided. Even in the dark, He is the source of light. When I can't see anything but the pain, He steps in and becomes my soothing balm.
I'm not ready to stop fighting. Having hope in knowing that God continually confirms through not just His word, but various people in our life, that we will have a child. Someday it is going to happen.
I pray for a Resurrection of Hope in my life, and a Renewal of Faith. Please pray for the same.
