I remember the day I was first diagnosed with PCOS. My husband and I had been married for two years and we had not been hindering conception since our wedding night. For two years I lived month to month, always hoping, wishing, praying that God would grant me the desire of my heart and provide me with a child of my own. Words cannot express how truly devastating it is to go through the emotional disappointment, month after month.
Eventually, I decided to see a doctor and what I was told completely changed my life. Pending blood work, I was most likely polycystic. At the time I didn't know what it meant, or what my options were. I was uneducated in coping strategies to help me live with life normally. That doctor told me it will be difficult for me to get pregnant, and I should come to terms that receiving professional help to conceive would be the only way I'd have a child, if that worked.
Leaving the office that day, I remember sitting in my car weeping before the Lord. Years I had spent dreaming about my future children. Caring for other's children for so long, knowing that God had given me the desire to have my own, how could I just throw in the towel and give up?
I remember going home, waiting for my husband to get off of work, and laid in my bed, once again crying out to God asking "Why?" At the same time I felt bad because I had married into an instant family and had two beautiful stepson's who needed me so much, and yet I was complaining that God wasn't giving us what we desired.
Fast forward another year, to another doctor who was the first person to plant the seed of hope in me again.
"A large amount of polycystic women have children. I don't doubt that it'll happen in time." She spoke kindly to me as I expressed my concerns.
The days that followed that fluctuated. Sometimes I would question God, and other times I'd just say, "Alright God. It's in your hands."
Shortly after that I had been praying and I remembered a teaching I had heard years ago about the power of the tongue.
Proverbs 18:21 "Death and Life are in the power of the tongue..."
I remembered that what we speak over ourselves is important. We can choose to speak life over ourselves and our situations, in expectation of divine intervention or faithlessly speak death. I decided then and there that I'd be a life speaker. I knew that God was bigger than any diagnosis out there, and I still know today.
I spent the next few years working with various doctors to regulate my hormones with different medications including the birth control pill. We knew we weren't completely ready at that point to bring another child into our home, but I was doing my part in preparing myself for when the time came that God would give us our desires.
I started studying the word of God more fervently, focusing on infertile women in the bible. And through this time, the Lord gave me more insight and promises to hold on to for the future.
Biblically speaking, nearly every story in the bible that deals with women who are infertile are very important. In these instances, God eventually blesses these women with children who would grow into powerful tools of God, such as Samuel, John the Baptist, Samson, and even Isaac (Son of Abraham and Sarah).
Out of great trial and struggling faith, came powerful fruit that changed the course of history.
Then God had given me a scripture, that I still hold on to this day. I keep it with me, everywhere I walk.
Isaiah 41:4 "Who has done this and carried it through, calling forth the generations from the beginning? I, the LORD—with the first of them and with the last—I am he.”
So, how could I doubt God had a plan? How could I doubt that when the time was right, that I'd see why I had the desire, and why God made me wait. I'd know that his plans were better than mine, and that I was a vessel to be used for the glory of God and his kingdom on earth. Whatever the Lord would entrust to me, would have to be nurtured in the word and prepared to change the kingdom of God in ways I can't even imagine.
So here we are, a few years later and my husband and I finally agree that it's time. We talk with the doctors, adjust my ongoing maintenance of the syndrome and discuss how it will affect our journey to conceive, and then we try.
One month turned into two. Two months turned into four. Four months turned into six. I started noticing that my body was not reacting and that my chance for conceiving was slim due to certain medical issues. And even though I felt like Hannah, when she cried out to God asking why she had to go through this, promising everything to God, and praying every day for Him to gift her with the desires of her heart, I still held true to the promises he gave me.
1. God will use you to birth something that will change the kingdom of God.
2. God alone is the one who calls forth every generation from the beginning to the end. I can trust him.
I took those promises and kept myself from speaking death over my dreams. I sought out more doctors, got more information, and have finally been referred to a fertility clinic. And even though I thought I'd be terrified if we ever had to go down this route, I'm not. I know that God has led me to the right doctors at the right time, and he is guiding me down this path for a reason. What I'll learn during this time, I don't know. What I do know is that it is going to change me even more, for the better. It will bring hope to me, to those around me, and maybe even to you.
So here is to Day 1 of my journey. Holding on to Hope. Trusting Him. I can't guarantee every day will be bright and sunny, but I can guarantee that it will be just what I need. Test me Lord, and prove me. Make me like you in every way.
Christina Simpson © 2014
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