Day 20: Hope Crushed- Hope Renewed

Where do I begin? The last 20 days of treatment have been so emotionally trying for me. I cling to hope that in the end, I know God will come through for us. In the meantime, the hormone pills I'm taking are driving me mad. I cry at everything, even a simple song on the radio, or just hugging my son.

Hormone mediction is a tricky thing when TTC-ing (Trying to Conceive). They play tricks on you and most of the time you don't know whats happening to your body. The hardest part of this is that it almost gives you similar symptoms to actual pregnancy, so even if you're not pregnant (which you hope for every month) you're still feeling like you *could be*... and the hope that builds in you to end up being crushed is devastating.

In this time I have now completed 2 rounds of hormone medications. The first round, my body did not produce anything whatsoever. I had no eggs, no follicles, no little pieces of me, ready and waiting to become something precious. My body decided to be stubborn. And as I prayed and asked God for help, I couldn't express just how angry it made me that I could not be who I really wanted to be. I could not do the basic function a female body is supposed to do. But in the end, God said "Persevere." So I did.

We started the second round of treatment, increasing the amounts of pills I take and henceforth the effects of such, which you can imagine is just overwhelming. I have now taken positive ovulation tests at home, but don't see the doctor again until Friday. That's when we find out if we're ready, and/or already there.

But in the midst of all of this, I just struggle to hold on to the hope that God has given me. Why would he give me the desire to have children and then keep me from it? Why would it have to be so hard? What does it mean that I can't do what it is that I feel called to do? Am I being punished? Am I not following the Lord? Is my request too far beyond all hope that He's looking at me and shaking his head. I am angry, hurt, confused, devastated and yet, I persevere. I always come back to God. I seek him out when I'm feeling these things, I listen to worship music, pray to him, sing to him, cry out to him, until finally I feel overwhelming peace.

"Peace. Be Still and Know That I Am God."

There are so many songs about healing that have been around every corner these days.

"I know, you're my healer. I know you are all I need."

There are songs about asking and receiving.

"You said, ask and you will receive, whatever you need. You said, lift up your eyes, the harvest is near, the kingdom is near, you said.. Ask and I'll give the nations to you, oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart."

And these songs are amazing and wonderful, but when I hear them my heart breaks because I have been asking, and I have been believing for years that God would heal me. And yet, it doesn't happen.

More often then not, I feel like asking God. "My God, My God. Why have you forsaken me?"

But still, I persevere.

I will stand steadfast in faith, and do you know why? Because despite my fears, and emotions, and overwhelming roller coaster of life, God never changes. He stays the same through the ages, and His promises are yes, and His love endures forever. He is compassionate, and loving, and caring and righteous, and holy, and perfect. He is not bound by our human emotions and life, but rather see's all of history, present, and the future together. He knows how this tribulation will work out and how I'll grow to trust Him more, to love Him more, to serve Him more. God has NEVER failed me, and He NEVER will. So I persevere.