I don't know if there's anything more scary than walking into a fertility clinic. There are people milling about, couples who are probably going through the same situations you are, some who may even have it worse.
All you can think about is your hope that the doctors will tell you what you want to hear. That you'll get the answers you've been looking for, and you'll walk out confident and ready to bring another life into the world.
That's what we hope for, but I think what we really get is a lot more 'Maybe Baby' questions. And I suppose that the doctors can never guarantee, because conceiving life is ultimately up to God, but you hope that the doctors in front of you will be confident and believe with you that with join effort, your dream will become a reality.
Walking down the long corridor of the hospital, heading toward the fancy glass doors which guard the entrance to this next step was a little scary. You wonder about the story of all the other couples sitting in that room with you, and you ask yourself if they are thinking the same things about you.
"Is this their first time here?"
"Maybe they are waiting for results?"
"Did their dream come true?"
"Are they about to get bad news?"
Then you try to put yourself in their shoes and wonder if the smiles on their faces are real or are they plastered on as a shield against the outside, hiding the churning turmoil that boils inside their heart and soul.
It was at this moment that I leaned against my husband after he had attempted to make a steaming glass of hot tea while we waited in the lobby for our names to be called. And despite my racing thoughts, I knew that our story would be our story. However it turns out, I still have my best friend, my beautiful step-kids, and an entire future ahead of us, even if we don't know where it will end up.
The nurse stepped out of the large wooden door and walked cheerfully toward us, calling my name. As we approached she introduced us and led us behind the door, into the waiting battery of tests that would come. We get ushered into sterile room and I'm informed they'll be doing an ultrasound to begin things, knowing they want to see everything inside to get a good look and observation.
My nerves begin to tense and I paste the smile on my face as my husband holds my things and sits in the corner chair, otherwise known as the husband seat. I'm asked to get prepared as a woman does for a regular exam and slide onto the cold plastic bed, with metal stirrups attached at the end. As we wait for the technicians, my wonderful husband decides to take my mind off of what's happening by being the most supporting and encouraging man in the world, even if he was just trying to make me laugh. Standing up, he sets his things down and then persists to dance crazily beside the bed until I'm laughing and smiling at him. Peace and calm rush through me after this and I relax, holding my husbands hands for a few minutes, grateful that God had blessed me with him.
When the technician enters the room with a hospital resident, I can't help but freak out a little knowing there will be at least 3 people in the room seeing me in my most vulnerable state.
Then it begins, and in a matter of minutes I'm looking at something I had never seen before. And even though it may seem gross or weird, I was kind of awestruck at knowing that God created me in every way and that science had made it possible for us to see the things that people from hundreds of years ago would have never thought possible.
Getting down to business, the technician snapped images of my most necessary parts that pertain to making babies. Stating that everything looked good, and pointing out a few things here or there. Ultimately I felt encouraged that she said everything looks healthy and there were no major problems. After that was done, I had a physical exam, then sent to another room for blood work.
Eventually we finally sat down with the doctor, went through our medical histories, and after a very confident talk, he prescribes me to go get more blood work done the next morning, and to start our first round of medication the next night. We walk out of there with our instructions for the next 3 weeks and it's kind of amazing. For the first time in very long time, I felt hope. It was refreshing.
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